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PART 3: UNBREAKYOURHEART FOR GOOD #1 HOW THE CLEARING PROCESS WORKS
#1: How the Emotional Baggage Clearing Process works
In PART 2 #3 we discovered how our Emotional Baggage is formed and you started to identify yours. We also learned about the amazing power of the unconscious mind and how it can help us in so many ways. In PART 3 you’re going to clear out your Emotional Baggage… and now I’m going to explain how.
By the end of this module you’ll know exactly what happens at every step of our personalised Emotional Baggage Clearing Process and you can be confident that you’ll be able to follow the process easily, with my guidance and the support of YOUR unconscious mind.
Now, before we get into the practicalities of HOW the process works, let’s just reflect for a moment on the joys of decluttering…
Have you ever moved house or had a clear out after living somewhere for a while…and realised that you’d accumulated a lot of stuff? Maybe you’d been storing things away for years, out of sight and out of mind, and suddenly had to sort it all out.
This happened to me when I emigrated to Spain. I was downsizing so I had to get rid of most of the possessions I’d been accumulating my whole life. This was tough because I get emotionally attached to stuff. Worse still, I only had a few days to sort through everything and decide what was worth taking on the next stage of my life’s journey and what should be gifted or thrown away.
At first, it was quite straightforward as I went through wardrobes and cupboards, picking out my most treasured possessions and giving away everything else. But things got a lot trickier when I climbed up into the loft and was faced with a mountain of bags and boxes. I hadn’t opened some of them for years and a few I didn’t remember at all… I even wondered whether they were mine.
It was SO tempting to take them all straight to the rubbish (aka garbage!) dump. But I had a feeling some of those boxes might contain important and useful stuff I could use in the future. And maybe there were also reminders of happy times in my life that I didn’t want to lose.
So I opened each box in turn, with some trepidation, to find out what was inside.
Occasionally there was a lovely surprise – packs of old photos, some mementos of my lovely grandparents who were no longer around, my university thesis, (all of which I took with me to Barcelona). But most of it was just old stuff I’d been carrying around with me for years, which felt significant when I originally stored it away but no longer served any purpose in my life. Knowing it was weighing me down, and in many cases bringing back unhappy memories, I put it in a big pile of “old stuff to take to the dump”
A few things moved me to tears. There was a huge plastic sack bursting with all the teddy bears and stuffed toys I’d ever owned… and each one brought back memories from the past. I saved two childhood dolls that were presents from my grandparents and a teddy bear from the early days of my first marriage – all of which reminded me of happy times. But when I realised how many of those toys brought back memories tinged with sadness or fear, it made me cry…. and I was happy to give them away. In fact, it was really cathartic letting those sad memories go.
And when I found some old shoe boxes with diaries and letters from my teenage years, I lost a whole afternoon reading and reflecting on my life at that time… remembering how hard I worked and how I put on a brave face to the outside world, despite the painful, hurtful experiences and stress I was living through at home. Fortunately, I’d already identified and cleared out a lot of the Emotional Baggage from that period of my life… and recognised the positive qualities that got me through it. So I decided to take those old diaries and letters to the rubbish dump, along with all the other stuff that I no longer needed in my life.
Although going through that stuff was an emotional experience at times, it was pretty easy to decide what was worth keeping because it would be useful or empowering in my future life… and what to get rid of because it was weighing me down or holding me back. And after taking lots of car loads to the rubbish dump, I felt so much lighter and brighter… ready to move on to the next exciting stage of my life.
And of course, everything I took to the dump stayed there and never bothered me again!
You’ve probably guessed why I’m reminiscing about this experience of sorting through and getting rid of that old stuff that was keeping me tied to the past. It has a lot in common with our Emotional Baggage Clearing Process… going through old memories, some of which we’ve forgotten consciously, keeping anything that will be useful to us going forward and clearing out everything that has a negative emotional charge, so it can no longer hold us back.
Just like my house-clearing exercise, as you work through our Emotional Baggage Clearing Process you’ll reflect on your past, drawing on the important insights you discovered in PARTS 1 & 2, and at times it might be emotional. But the good news is, in PART 3 you’ll do most of it in a lovely relaxed state, with your eyes shut! And as usual I’ll guide you through the process, every step of the way.
And I promise you, when you clear out any accumulated painful emotion, unhelpful belief or dysfunctional relationship pattern from the past, it really has gone for good…. just like that old unwanted ‘stuff’ I consigned to the rubbish dump long ago.
So you’ll start noticing a positive, lasting difference straight away.
Now let me explain what happens during the Clearing Process.
An overview of our Emotional Baggage Clearing Process
At the heart of PART 3 is your personal Emotional Baggage DASHBOARD, which shows the unique list of Emotional Baggage YOU need to clear out because it’s undermining your romantic relationships and getting in the way of your happiness. I’ll help you put that list together, based on your insights and discoveries in PARTS 1 & 2… and you can add to it at any time.
From the DASHBOARD you can access a specially designed Clearing Process for each item on your list. You can also see at a glance what you’ve cleared out and what else you need to work on, so it’s easy to keep track of progress.
The Clearing Process just has three steps:
STEP 1: After opening the specially designed Clearing Process for an item of Emotional Baggage, you’ll answer a few preparatory questions.
STEP 2: You’ll close your eyes, get really relaxed, connect with your unconscious mind and clear out that item of Emotional Baggage from your life for good… following my audio instructions every step of the way.
STEP 3: When the audio ends, you’ll make a note of your reflections and then return to the DASHBOARD to select your next item
You’ll continue this process until you’ve significantly reduced or completely cleared out all items of Emotional Baggage on your DASHBOARD. You might follow the Clearing Process for an item once or more than once… the important thing is that you’ll work at your own pace and move on when YOU feel ready.
How we’ll make an inventory of your Emotional Baggage
Your personal DASHBOARD is divided into sections to reflect the three types of Emotional Baggage you’re going to clear out:
- Accumulated painful emotions
- Unhelpful expectations and beliefs
- Dysfunctional relationship patterns
Before starting each section, I’ll help you finalise the list of items YOU need to clear out, drawing on selected results and insights from PARTS 1 & 2. You did some serious thinking back then so now it’s just a question of pulling it all together. I think you’ll find it pretty straightforward and also quite revealing.
More about STEP 1 – Preparation
Once you’re happy with your list, you can start clearing it out. When you click next to any item of Emotional Baggage on your DASHBOARD, we’ll open a specially designed Clearing Process for that item. There you’ll review key insights about that item from PARTS 1 & 2 and answer a few simple questions about how it’s been making its presence felt in your life. Finally, you’ll rate its current level of intensity, so you’ll recognise the difference when you’ve cleared it out for good.
For the rest of the Clearing Process, you need to go to a quiet, private place where you can close your eyes and you won’t be disturbed for up to two hours. So this is clearly NOT something you can do on a bus or train or at your desk at work (if other people are around). You just need to get away from other people for a while so you can focus.
For each Clearing Process, you’re going to listen to quite a long audio track, where I’ll guide you through what you need to do, step-by-step. It’s best to listen on headphones because they reduce any background noise and help you focus. The pace is deliberately slow and gentle, to help you stay relaxed. But in case you want to pause a little while longer at any step in the audio track, I’d recommend using headphones that have a simple touch control, which enables you to ‘pause’ and ‘play’ without opening your eyes.
You should sit in a comfortable chair that supports your back, with both feet on the floor. (I would not suggest lying down… or sitting cross-legged, even if you’re really relaxed that way, because it will make it difficult to follow some of the audio instructions). I usually like to have a few tissues right next to me… just in case there’s a happy tear or two.
Then you’ll press PLAY to start the audio track… and close your eyes.
More about STEP 2 – What happens after you close your eyes
At this point you’ll just sit back, listen to my voice and follow the simple, step-by-step instructions. As you relax deeply, you’ll connect with your unconscious mind and clear out that item of Emotional Baggage from your life for good. Here’s an outline of what I’ll be helping you to do:
1. Enter our Virtual Relaxation Space
I’ll start by inviting you to join me in our Virtual Relaxation Space and take a seat. I’ve based this on the relaxing spaces I use when I’m working in person with clients. Imagine a lovely, tranquil space that has a big, comfy sofa in front of a large screen, (rather like a TV or cinema screen). The temperature is just right, there’s a beautiful view out of the window and you can hear gentle, relaxing sounds in the background… it even smells really good! As soon as you enter the space, you’ll notice the calming energy and know you can feel totally safe there.
2. Get into a really relaxed state
Once you’re sitting comfortably, I’ll help you to get really relaxed, using a simple process that always works brilliantly in my work with clients. As your body and mind relax, it’s as though the door opens between your conscious and your unconscious mind, so it becomes easy for you to communicate and work with your unconscious mind throughout the Clearing Process.
3. Cut energetic ties to the past
While you’re in that totally relaxed state, I’ll guide you through a simple process of disconnecting from the people who are associated with the item of Emotional Baggage you’re clearing out… You’re going to imagine inviting them out onto a tiny stage, which is way in the distance so you can stay totally detached and safe. And after having a brief and surprisingly comfortable conversation with them, you’ll imagine cutting the energetic ties that have been keeping you connected to them and tied to the past. You’ll feel released and energised… and they can calmly leave the stage with your good wishes… and disappear.
This might sound odd but it’s actually really easy to do once you’re relaxed. And remember, I’ll be talking you through it every step of the way. Years ago, I discovered that this simple exercise has a big, positive impact and cutting the ties in this way makes the rest of the process much easier.
4. Recover lost parts of yourself with all their positive qualities
Next, while you’re still in that really relaxed state, I’ll help you work with the small part of yourself that has been holding onto the specific item of Emotional Baggage you’re working on for a very long time, believing it would serve some useful purpose in your life.
As you’ll remember from PART 2, How Emotional Baggage is formed, it’s as though your unconscious mind locked away this small part or fragment of yourself in ‘secure storage’ a long time ago – complete with its positive qualities and knowledge – because the emotions you were experiencing were just too intense for you to deal with at that time. In PART 2 I also explained the downsides of being cut off from these valuable aspects of yourself and the benefits of Recovering lost parts from secure storage and combining their resources. Let me tell you how you’re going to do this.
Basically, in this safe relaxed state, you’re going to gently invite this part of you back out of storage and onto one of your hands and then work with your unconscious mind to remember all the valuable qualities that made it worth holding onto… You’re also going to invite the part of you that has opposite qualities to come out onto your other hand, so you can remember all of ITS really valuable characteristics and knowledge too.
Once you’ve done this, your unconscious mind will naturally want to reunite these two parts (or aspects) of yourself and then merge this combined part back into the rest of you. In fact, you’ll probably FEEL your hands moving towards each other at this point. And when they come together and the two parts merge into one, you’ll bring this combined part back into your heart and feel it merge with the rest of you… which typically gives a rush of positive energy.
From that point you’ll have permanent access to ALL of the positive qualities and learning that have been cut off from you since those parts were originally placed in ‘secure storage’ all those years ago. So this will give you lots more skills and insights to use whenever you need them. It will also help you feel less conflicted and more together, integrated and ‘whole’. [If you’ve ever studied NLP you might recognise the technique which this part of the process draws on, which is typically called ‘Parts Integration’ or ‘Visual Squash’]
I KNOW this probably sounds really odd while you’re reading it in your wide-awake, conscious state. But I promise you, it’s really very straightforward when you’re deeply relaxed… and people can always do it easily. All you have to do is take your time and follow my audio instructions every step of the way and all will become clear.
5. Make sense of old memories and clear out their negative emotional charge
In PART 2 I shared my explanation, (based on neuropsychology research and many years’ experience of working with clients), of how Networks of painful memories build up over time. It’s as though memories that are ‘tagged’ with the same painful emotion and/or or unhelpful belief are linked together in our long-term memory store. And when we’re reminded of one of those memories, the whole network of memories is typically triggered, so we’re back in touch with their combined emotional charge… which can feel overwhelming and do some serious damage to our relationships.
So the next thing I’m going to help you to do, while still in that lovely relaxed state, is to clear out the emotional charge from the network of memories that are ‘tagged’ with the item of Emotional Baggage you’re working on. Without their painful emotional charge, the individual memories no longer have an impact on you… and the network disappears.
Again, this part of the Clearing Process is so much easier than you would ever imagine, for two reasons:
- Your unconscious mind has quick and easy access to all of your memories, especially the ones that are emotionally charged
- You can work with those memories in a detached and safe way… thanks to our special viewing screen.
Earlier, when I described our Virtual Relaxation Space, I mentioned the large screen, rather like a TV or cinema screen, that’s in front of our comfy sofa. When you’re deeply relaxed, you can ask your unconscious mind to display memories from your distant past on this special screen… and the screen will instantly spring to life and ‘show’ you the memory you need.
So at this point in the Clearing Process, this is what we’re going to do. You’ll ask your unconscious mind to display on the screen the very first moment in which you experienced the specific item of Emotional Baggage you’re working on, (i.e. the very first time you stored a memory with the emotional charge and/or unhelpful belief you’re clearing out).
Now, I know this probably FEELS like a very difficult challenge while you’re reading this in your wide-awake, conscious state. How can you be expected to remember a specific memory of something that probably happened when you were VERY small… almost certainly before you were five or six years old (and probably much earlier)? But I promise you, it’s really very simple when you’re deeply relaxed and it’s as though the door is open between your conscious mind, (which is just a temporary holding bay) and your unconscious mind that contains ALL of your memories, carefully tagged and organised for instant retrieval… especially the ones that are emotionally charged.
To refresh your memory about how easy it is, click here: How does it feel when your unconscious mind makes contact?
I’m constantly amazed at the vivid memories my clients describe after working through this process: the little sandals they were wearing (aged three), the carpet they were sitting on in a house they left before they were two years old, the heavy weight of their satchel on the day they started school, the face of a relative they didn’t consciously remember meeting… etc, etc. Some clients have gone back and confirmed with family members that these memories were things that actually happened. But most just accept that – whether real or metaphorical – these memories were the ones they needed to work with in order to clear out those old unwanted emotions and beliefs.
So again, all you have to do is take it easy and follow the audio instructions. And know that this exercise gets easier every time you do it.
So, how might your unconscious mind make you aware of the memory you need, using our special screen? As we discovered in PART 2, everyone’s unconscious mind is different so for, example, the memory you need might appear as:
- A still image, like a photo, (in colour or black-and-white)
- A video – with movement and maybe sound
- Sounds or snippets of conversation, (as we know, small children often over-hear and frequently misunderstand adults’ conversations)
- Things the younger you said to herself or decisions she made at the time
- Just a vague sense of knowing
So sometimes memories are really vivid and sometimes you might just get a vague sense or a feeling or a hunch about what was going on, without knowing how you know. The great thing about working with your unconscious mind is that, whatever comes into your mind even if it feels like ‘a guess’ is absolutely what you need to notice and work with. So when you just go with whatever comes to mind… it’s always right.
Earlier I reassured you that our special viewing screen allows you to work with those memories in a detached and safe way. Let’s quickly remind ourselves how…
We’re going to ask your unconscious mind to show you the memory of that first moment from the outside – as if it had been recorded by someone else who was there at the time – so you’ll see and/or hear your younger self in that memory on the screen, (along with anyone else who was there at the time), while your present day, adult self will just be a detached observer, sitting on that comfy sofa in that lovely relaxing space, watching the screen.
The reassuring thing about sitting back and viewing your memories on the screen and observing your younger self from the outside in those memories, is that you can make sense of what was happening and be aware of the emotions the younger you was experiencing at the time … but you won’t be able to feel those emotions during the Clearing Process. This is because, as you discovered when you did our Floating in and out exercise in PART 2:
What’s more, in the audio instructions I’m always going to suggest that your unconscious mind ONLY shows you the information you need in order to clear out the Emotional Baggage you’re working on… and that you only become consciously aware of any memory that’s safe and useful for you to become aware of. When we’re very relaxed, it’s entirely possible to release the emotional charge on a network of memories without consciously remembering any of them afterwards… so you know the Emotional Baggage has disappeared without remembering the details. In fact, this often happens.
IF YOU HAVE ANY DOUBTS OR CONCERNS ABOUT YOUR ABILITY TO STAY SAFE AND COMFORTABLE WHILE YOU ARE REMEMBERING OR REFLECTING ON THE PAST, OR DEALING WITH ANY OF YOUR ISSUES, PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU GET THE PROFESSIONAL HELP AND SUPPORT YOU NEED, RIGHT FROM THE START. YOU’LL FIND SOME INFORMATION ABOUT FINDING PROFESSIONAL HELP HERE
The important thing to remember is that, once you get a better perspective on that first, distant memory, its unwanted emotional charge disappears. So from then on, if you remember it, you’ll feel quite neutral about it… as I’ll explain in a little while.
So now let’s find out how you’ll go about changing your perspective and clearing out the emotional charge from that first, distant memory.
Helping the younger you to change her perspective and find new meaning
So your unconscious mind will show you that first memory (in a calm, detached way, from the outside). And as soon as you’re aware of what was happening and what the younger you was doing and feeling – you’re going to invite the younger you to float out of that memory on the screen and sit down next to you on the comfy sofa so you can have a good old chat.
Now, I know that may sound odd but bear with me and it will all make sense…
In PART 2 #3.5, I answered the question: Why do SOME childhood experiences leave us with Emotional Baggage? If you haven’t read it for a while, it would be really helpful to click that link and refresh your memory now because it explains WHY we do the next essential stage of the Clearing Process.
On that page I told you a story that really touched my heart – how Gemma said all the right things to her tiny son Jack when he’d totally got the wrong end of the stick:
Two plus two equals five (Version 1: the happy ending)
A few years ago my friend’s son, Jack, was going through a tricky phase, often known as the ‘Terrible Twos’ – being defiant and having temper tantrums every time he didn’t get his own way. So my friend Gemma started using the ‘naughty step’ approach to try to improve his behaviour. This involved sending him to sit at the bottom of the staircase alone for a two minute ‘Time Out’ when he was naughty. She had always been a very patient and indulgent mother, so Jack was pretty shocked by this turnaround.
A few days later they went out for lunch with a group of friends and Gemma made a big fuss of a friend’s baby, cuddling him and playing with him for a quite a while.
That night at bedtime, Jack was uncharacteristically quiet. Being a sensitive mother, Gemma noticed and eventually got him to tell her what was wrong. His eyes filling up with tears, Jack said, “You’re going to get a new baby. I’m bad so you don’t love me and you’re going to get a new baby”. With his two-year-old’s logic, poor Jack had seen Gemma making a fuss of the baby, remembered the naughty step and decided she was about to trade him in for a better model… 2 + 2 = 5!
Fortunately, Gemma was able to put him straight. She told Jack that she loved him very much and could never love another baby like she loved him. And she reassured Jack that, even though she sometimes put him on the naughty step when he did something wrong, she always loved him and would never send him away no matter what he did.
With this new interpretation of events, Jack looked intensely relieved. He cheered up in no time and seemed to forget the whole idea of being replaced
Thanks to his sensitive and empathic mother, he was left with the correct belief:
“No matter what I do, I’m still lovable and my Mum will always be there for me”.
Unfortunately, most of us didn’t have someone like Gemma on hand 24/7, to correct our flawed logic and enable us to feel safe and loved when we were small. So we ended up storing away painful emotionally charged memories and unhelpful beliefs about ourselves, our value and what we could expect out of life – from a very early age – and this was the starting point for the Emotional Baggage that messes up our relationships and gets in the way of our happiness today. But now for the exciting part…
During this stage of each Clearing Process, I’ll talk you through how to give the younger you the reassurance and insight she needed, (but didn’t get), the very first time she stored away the item of Emotional Baggage you’re working on.
Following my step-by-step audio instructions, you’ll help her to shift her perspective and change her understanding of what happened. So the memory will take on a more positive meaning and she can feel better about what happened… and especially about herself.
When I’m clearing out my own Emotional Baggage or helping other people to clear out theirs, I use a variety of different techniques and approaches for doing this. Some are things that sensitive, caring adults like Gemma would typically say and do to reassure a small child who was caught up in intense emotions. But there are also some special techniques that tap into the amazing power of the unconscious mind to help transform our memories in ways that would take ages and be really difficult – if not impossible – in our wide awake, conscious state. I have included these special techniques in the audio instructions for each unique Clearing Process. And because you’ll be really relaxed and in touch with your unconscious mind, you’ll be able to apply them easily.
For example, you’ll be:
- Sharing your insight into what happened with the younger you, drawing on your knowledge of the world and your ability to think things through rationally… which a small child can’t do
- Shifting her perspective by showing her ‘what happened next’ and how that first moment fits within the ‘big picture’ of her life
- Helping her understand WHY people behaved the way they did and how they felt… which not only helps her feel better about what happened but typically generates the compassion needed to forgive the other people involved and/or herself – which can change everything
- Making sure she attaches a feeling of being loved and loveable to that memory… which is the most powerful transformation of all.
So it’s as though you’re getting into the unbreakyourheart time machine, (think “Back to the Future”), and going back to a specific moment in the past to talk with the younger you. As you help her make sense of what happened, with the benefit of hindsight and all the knowledge and experience of the world you’ve gained since then, she can feel better about the situation and draw healthier conclusions….
If this sounds strange, please remember you’ll be following my tried and tested approach.. And as a caring, empathic person you probably do a lot of these things when talking to other people in your everyday life, even if you don’t realise it. Most important, you’ll be working with your unconscious mind which finds it very easy to do these things, even if your conscious mind is currently not so sure!
So when the younger you interprets what happened differently and this first memory takes on a new, more positive MEANING, what effect does this have on your Emotional Baggage?
The painful emotional charge and any unhelpful beliefs literally disappear
from that memory
In PART 2 I asked the question, Can you really change your memories? We discovered that the answer, backed up by memory research, is a definite YES… memories change all the time as we go through life. And the transformation is faster and more dramatic when you’re working directly with your unconscious mind.
Once the younger you has a new and better informed understanding of that very first moment, she no longer feels bad about what happened… so the painful emotional charge attached to that old memory disappears for good, along with any unhelpful conclusions she drew from that experience. The memory is permanently transformed.
And even better, there’s a knock-on effect on all the later memories in the same network, i.e. the other memories that share the same ‘tag’…
Because this was the FIRST time the younger you experienced this painful emotion and/or started to form this unhelpful belief, when you ask her to apply what she has discovered to all of the later memories in the same network, the emotional charge and/or unhelpful belief disappear from the whole NETWORK of connected memories that share the same ‘tag’.
It’s as though the emotional charge or/or unhelpful belief acted as the common thread that was holding the network of memories together … so when the that thread disappears, suddenly they’re just random, unconnected, emotionally-neutral memories.
I sometimes compare it to looking at a stranger’s photos of an upsetting moment in their life. Looking from the outside, you can notice the emotions and you might think “That’s tough”, but you don’t feel their emotions intensely, inside your body, as you would if you revisited YOUR own memories. (By the way… if looking at strangers’ photos or hearing their stories DOES upset you very deeply it could be because they resonate with some experiences from your own life and trigger off some of YOUR unresolved Emotional Baggage that you need to clear out… or maybe you’re highly empathic and compassionate!)
So after the Emotional Baggage Clearing Process, the key memories you’ve worked on are no longer triggering for you. For example, after you’ve been clearing out accumulated jealousy, if you think back to a recent time where you were overcome with jealousy, you can remember WHAT happened and why (e.g. remember THAT you felt very jealous and maybe over-reacted) and you’ll probably feel compassion for your younger self… but you WON’T FEEL that intense level of jealousy any more. You’ll know the scenario took place and you were there, but you WON’T CONNECT with the old accumulated jealousy anymore… because it’s gone.
Similarly, after clearing out an old unhelpful belief, if you recall what you used to believe, it just feels all wrong and doesn’t make sense any more. (This was how I felt when I had a good old clear out and re-read my old teenage diaries, many years later).
What’s more, without their emotional charge, those distant memories aren’t memorable any more… and they start to fade and be forgotten.
So, as you work through the specially designed Clearing Process for every item of Emotional Baggage on your personal DASHBOARD, you’ll enable the younger you to let go of the networks of accumulated painful emotions, unhelpful beliefs and dysfunctional relationship patterns that started to form all those years ago. Which means…
And to reinforce those positive feelings and expectations, before you open your eyes again, we’ll round off STEP 2 of every Clearing Process with a lovely little exercise…
6. Enjoy some ‘future memories’ that show how much you’ve changed
As soon as you allow the permanently transformed younger you to float back into that first memory on our special viewing screen, all of the positive changes she has made and the reassuring things she discovered during that Clearing process will instantly transform all of the other related memories of everything that happened between that first memory and the present moment… and that transformation happens at ‘mega fast forward’ speed, because everyone’s unconscious mind knows how to do that.
You’ll still be sitting with your eyes closed on that nice comfy sofa in our Virtual Relaxation Space, and you’ll be feeling really good about the things you’ve been working on and the changes you’ve made. And then it will be time to create some new memories.
These new memories will be very special because they’re memories of good things that could happen in your future. So basically, you’re going to ask your unconscious mind to display on our special viewing screen, a moment from your future where you respond in a wonderful new way that proves to you 100%, that the item of Emotional Baggage you have just cleared has gone for good.
This time you’re going to imagine stepping into that future memory on our special viewing screen just for a few moments, so you can feel how different things are, understand how you got there and notice how good it feels…
And when you float back out of that future memory and come back to our comfy sofa with that knowledge, both your conscious mind and your unconscious mind will remember how to BE this new positive you and how good it feels, which means you’ll start right away. (One future memory is enough for most people, but if you wish you can dip into a few more positive future memories before coming back to the comfy sofa with all those good feelings!)
I know, I know… it just sounds SO weird. But I promise you, it’s really easy to do this when you’re really relaxed. And by this stage in the Clearing process you’ll definitely be feeling really relaxed. Then all you have to do is follow the last few audio instructions to gradually come back to your wide-awake self…OPEN YOUR EYES… have a good stretch… and notice how good you’re feeling.
And then it’ll be time for STEP 3 which I promise you is very quick.
MORE ABOUT STEP 3 – WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU OPEN YOUR EYES AGAIN
When the audio track ends, you’ll notice how you’re now feeling and what you learned during that Clearing Process… and briefly jot down your thoughts.
First, you’ll re-rate the intensity level of the item of Emotional Baggage you’ve been clearing out and notice how much it has gone down… maybe to zero. We’ll transfer this new rating to your personal DASHBOARD to help you keep track of progress.
Next, you’ll make a note of the positive things you recognised during that Clearing Process – for example about your own strengths, about the people or events from your past and especially about the good things that are waiting for you in the future.
And finally, you’ll make a note of any other Emotional Baggage that has popped into your mind during or straight after the Clearing Process, so you can clear it out when you’re ready.
When your unconscious mind drops a helpful hint
Sometimes, after clearing out one item of Emotional Baggage, another one immediately occurs to you, because your unconscious mind is flagging up something else it would like to help you sort out. For example:
- After clearing out a big chunk of accumulated anger you might suddenly feel a wave of sadness or a hint of fear.
- Or you might notice that you’re thinking about the future with some hesitation or doubt and recognise an unhelpful belief that seems to be standing in your way.
- You might even be reminded of a particular ex and realise that he’s typical of a dysfunctional relationship pattern you’ve been caught up in more than once.
If this happens, just thank your unconscious mind for making you aware of these items of Emotional Baggage and reassure it that you ARE going to clear them out very soon.
We’ve provided a space where you can make a note of this additional Emotional Baggage, so you can check it out each time you’re pinpointing what else you need to work on.
When you’ve finished noting down your thoughts, you’ll return to your personal DASHBOARD to select the next item you’re going to clear out. If you’re FEELING a particular painful emotion as you do this, it’s great to seize the moment and work on it next because it will be especially easy to clear out.
So you’ll continue this process until you’ve significantly reduced or completely cleared out all items of Emotional Baggage on your DASHBOARD. For any particular item, you might follow the Clearing Process once or more than once. The important thing is that you’ll work at your own pace and move on when YOU feel ready.
And remember, whatever changes you notice each time you open your eyes at the end of any Clearing Process are permanent. As I mentioned at the start of this module…
Now, to bring to life how the Clearing Process works in practice, let me share part of Yasmin’s story… which I know a lot of women can relate to.
The Emotional Baggage Clearing Process in practice… Yasmin’s story
Yasmin is a warm, genuine person and everyone who meets her thinks she’s great. She enjoys her job, has a nice home and lots of lovely friends. But she has a bad track record with relationships.
For years she’s been waiting to meet her soul mate and several times she thought she had. But they all turned out to be ARM’S LENGTH GUYS who seemed great at the start but then backed off when things started getting serious. They gave credible reasons for breaking up with her – one said he had to focus on work, another said he wasn’t ‘properly over his ex’ and a third admitted he probably didn’t want children (after claiming he did at the start). But they also blamed Yasmin for causing problems in the relationship – the most common being that she was “too needy” or “too intense” or “moving too fast”.
Her friends wished she’d stop wasting her time with commitment-phobic, unavailable guys who messed her around and meet someone decent who was actually ready for a relationship.They even tried to warn her off Karl, her most recent ex, but she was convinced he was different… until he broke up with her by voicemail, two days before they were due to go on holiday together.
Heartbroken, she realised she needed to do some work on herself to find out why this kept happening and try to make some changes.
To cut a long story short, she eventually made the connection back to her early childhood and her relationship with her father. He left home suddenly just before Yasmin’s seventh birthday and, after that, her contact with him was patchy and very unpredictable. Before he left, he wasn’t around much… but she loved him and had no reason to doubt that he loved her. She never properly understood why he left… and had often wondered whether her mother could have done more to keep him around.
When Yasmin filled in our Emotional Baggage Questionnaire, her top three accumulated painful emotions were:
- Hurt & rejection
- Sadness & disappointment
- Fear & anxiety
Here’s what happened when Yasmin was doing the Emotional Baggage Clearing Process for the first of these – her accumulated hurt & rejection.
STEP 1 – Preparation
While answering the initial preparatory questions, she reflected on what she’d discovered in PART 2 about the childhood experiences that left her feeling hurt & rejected. She realised those unavailable guys had a lot in common with her father and this was triggering the emotional over-reactions in her… which those guys were calling “needy”. For example, when she sensed a guy cooling off or taking more space, she made a huge effort to try to keep him close – typically making big romantic gestures, demanding some kind of commitment and eventually calling him in tears late at night to ask what she was doing wrong and beg him to spend more time with her. Needless to say, her actions were having the opposite result to the one she desired.
When asked to recall a recent example of feeling hurt & rejected, she immediately went back to that horrible night when Karl broke up with her just before her birthday trip… and as she connected with that memory, she rated the intensity of her hurt & rejection at 95%.
Preparation completed, Yasmin clicked play on the audio track and closed her eyes.
STEP 2 – WHAT HAPPENED AFTER YASMIN CLOSED HER EYES
First she entered our Virtual Relaxation Space and, by following the step-by-step audio instructions, she got into a really relaxed, comfortable state.
Then it was time to cut her energetic ties to the past. She invited all of the people who were associated with her accumulated feelings of hurt & rejection to come out onto the small stage. Not surprisingly her father was first to arrive, followed by Karl and several exes. But she was a bit surprised to see her mother and some old school friends there too. Again, she followed the audio instructions and was able to imagine cutting the ties that were keeping her connected to the painful experiences she had lived through with these people in the past.
Next, Yasmin recovered the lost parts of herself, with all their positive qualities. Here’s how…
With the help of her unconscious mind, she identified the small part of her that had stored away those feelings of hurt & rejection – and noticed that it looked like herself when she was young, around the time her father left.
As she followed the audio instructions, she realised her unconscious mind had been holding onto this part because it believed that, ultimately, it would keep her close to the people she cared about… so she could feel loved. This part had lots of positive qualities, including sensitivity and awareness of how other people were feeling and a willingness to put in a lot of effort for people she cared about.
She then identified the opposite part – the part of her that felt loveable and loved. This one looked like herself when she was very small… just a toddler… when she spending a lot of time with her grandmother. Her unconscious mind was holding onto this part so she would remember how it felt when she was really loved.
The positive qualities of this part included being relaxed, warm, responsive and feeling secure.
So Yasmin realised that both parts ultimately wanted the same thing – for her to feel loved – but they were going about it in very different ways – and by merging these two parts, she could use the positive qualities of BOTH at once, i.e.
- She could be sensitive and aware of what people around her were feeling and what they needed AND ALSO
- Capable of recognising when people loved and cared for her… and responding in a relaxed, comfortable way
As soon as realised all this, her unconscious mind automatically merged these two parts of her– she literally felt her hands moving together and meeting in the middle – and brought this combined part back inside her. She actually felt a surge of energy when this combined part came back into her heart and then merged with the rest of her, with all of their positive qualities.
Now it was time for the next crucial stage of the Clearing Process… as Yasmin helped her younger self to make sense of old memories and clear out their negative emotional charge. This involves lots of steps so I’ve numbered them here, but Yasmin was just relaxed and ‘going with the flow’ without needing to keep track of where she was up to in the Clearing Process.
1. Yasmin asked her unconscious mind to show her the very first moment when she felt that intense hurt and rejection, and the memory that appeared on the viewing screen was the moment when Yasmin’s father left home. She saw him walking out of the front door with a holdall, while her six year old self was dragging on his coat and begging him not to go. She was also aware of her mother looking on, with tears in her eyes, as he drove away.
2. Yasmin invited her younger self to step down off the screen and sit with her on the comfy sofa so they could talk about what was happening. The younger Yasmin explained that she felt really hurt and rejected because her daddy didn’t love her and that’s why he didn’t want to be with her. She wished she could have shown him how much she loved him, then he would have stayed. (Spot the childish flawed logic and taking the blame for something that’s not her fault).
3. Next we asked Yasmin’s unconscious mind to identify the most significant person who was in that memory with her, (in this case, her father), and we helped the younger Yasmin gain some new perspectives… using those special techniques I mentioned, which are possible when we’re deeply relaxed – such as floating her around to view the situation through her father’s eyes and actually floating her right into his heart so she could connect with the love he felt for her.
4. Then we got the younger Yasmin to explain to her father, up there on the screen, how she was feeling about that situation… And we got him to explain things from his side. He didn’t leave because of anything the six year old Yasmin did or didn’t do. The marriage was just making him very unhappy and he felt trapped and not ready to be a father. But he loved Yasmin very much and was really sad to leave her. And he was really sorry for not being around more while she was growing up… his life had been chaotic and he just couldn’t get his act together. He thought she was OK just being with her mother and her grandmother.
5. When Yasmin ‘heard’ this and remembered the love that was in his heart, she realised he hadn’t really rejected her and it wasn’t her fault – he just wasn’t capable of being the father she needed and he felt bad about that. And this made her feel compassion for him… which made it easy to forgive what happened and put it in perspective. (In the real world her father wouldn’t be able to express all of this so well, but these sentiments actually came from the adult Yasmin, who could understand this situation through her adult eyes, and knew what the younger Yasmin needed to hear. This is what’s great about the Virtual Relaxation Space – when you get really relaxed and work with your unconscious mind… you can ‘make things right’ in a way that would be almost impossible in the ‘real world’.)
6. The next step involved the younger Yasmin talking to her mother in that memory. She reminded Yasmin that she was totally loved – by her mother and her grandmother and later by other special people in her life – including a lovely ex from the past. And this convinced the younger Yasmin, (and therefore the adult Yasmin), that she IS lovable and reminded her that she can tell when people love and care about her. This meant that, from now on, the adult Yasmin would know when to give her heart and express her love and when to hold back… especially in relationships.
7. The adult Yasmin reassured her younger self that she loved her very much and would always take care of her… and they enjoyed a big hug. Then the younger Yasmin floated back into that first memory on the screen, with all of the love she had received and all of her new understanding.
8. And when the adult Yasmin asked her younger self how she was NOW feeling in that first memory… she discovered that all the feelings of hurt and rejection had gone. In other words, the negative emotional charge had disappeared from that memory and been replaced by a feeling of love.
9. Next, we asked Yasmin’s unconscious mind to allow this love and new understanding to flow through all of the connected memories in the network, which allowed the accumulated hurt and rejection to disappear from ALL of those memories… so the memories no longer had that common thread… and the network no longer existed, which meant it could no longer be triggered and overwhelm Yasmin.
10. In the final stage of the audio instructions, the adult Yasmin was able to enjoy some ‘future memories’ that showed her how much she’d changed. Still deeply relaxed on the comfy sofa in the Virtual Relaxation Space, she asked her unconscious mind to show her, on the special viewing screen, some situations that could happen in her future which would feel very different from the hurt and rejection she had experienced in the past…
- In the first ‘future memory’ Yasmin saw her future self instantly recognising and walking away from a guy who didn’t care about her. And as she floated inside her future self in that moment on the screen, she connected with a feeling of confidence. Knowing that the guy didn’t care about her, it was easy to walk away and she didn’t feel hurt or rejected because she realised he wouldn’t be the right partner for her.
- In the second ‘future memory’, Yasmin observed her future self recognising a good man who loved her and wanted to be with her. Again, she floated inside her future self in that moment on the screen and this time she connected with the feeling of being loved and returning that love.
11. Leaving those wonderful ‘future memories’ in her future so she could look forward to them happening soon, Yasmin allowed the special viewing screen to rewind to the present… and she returned to the comfy sofa remembering all the positive things she had learned and experienced.
12. Then she followed the final instructions and gradually came back to waking consciousness… feeling lighter and happier than she had in a very long time… ready to open her eyes and answer the final questions.
STEP 3 – WHAT HAPPENED WHEN YASMIN OPENED HER EYES AGAIN
Yasmin reflected on everything she’d discovered and jotted down a few notes. And this time, when we asked her to think back to that recent occasion when she had felt really hurt & rejected (listening to Karl’s voicemail message), her first reaction was to shrug and think, “What a spineless guy. Who does that?”.
Now she was able to recognise that he didn’t love or care for her, he never wanted a serious relationship and he wasn’t the right person for her. (And the fact that he broke up with her by voicemail was the final proof of his character). So she felt quite neutral about their split… apart from feeling glad that he was out of her life for good.
And as she re-rated the intensity of hurt and rejection in that recent memory, she realised it wasn’t there anymore… so she entered a rating of 0%. Then her father popped into her mind… and she noticed that she no longer felt that pang of hurt and rejection that she’d been carrying around for so long. She just thought of him as a man who loved her but wasn’t capable of showing it… or being the father she really needed.
She actually tried to connect with that old accumulated painful emotion but the feeling just wasn’t there anymore. It was gone for good.
So there we have it… a powerful example of how the Emotional Baggage Clearing Process works in practice.
I’ve said it before and I’ll no doubt say it again… I know this stuff sounds weird when you’re in your wide awake, conscious state, and you’re probably wondering whether you can do it… but it really is SO much easier when you’re feeling really relaxed, with your eyes closed, following my simple, step-by-step instructions, and it definitely gets easier the more you do it.
So let’s wrap up this module by repeating some words of reassurance that I offered you at the start of PART 2 #2, when we started reflecting on painful experiences you went through in childhood:
A few reminders and words of reassurance:
- To pinpoint the Emotional Baggage you need to clear out, we’ll be revisiting the exercises you completed in PARTS 1 & 2 and that might remind you of some painful memories from the past.But remember, you only need to be in contact with each item of Emotional Baggage briefly because, as soon as you pinpoint any accumulated painful emotion, unhelpful belief or dysfunctional relationship pattern from the past that’s spilling over into your present, you can go ahead and clear it out, using a tailored version of our Clearing Process.
- While you’re clearing out your Emotional Baggage, I’m going to help you to get really relaxed… so it will be as though you’ve activated a souped-up version of your own personal Relaxation Button.
- And while you’re processing old memories from the past and releasing their negative emotional charge, you’ll be doing it in at arm’s length, using our special viewing screen, so you can remain detached and separate from the emotions you were feeling at the time.
- If you still can’t recall much about your early childhood, just relax and know that, once you’re really relaxed it will be much easier for your unconscious mind to retrieve the memories you need to work with. And your unconscious mind can make you aware of them, either consciously or outside your conscious awareness, when the time is right for you.
- And remember, if you feel you might need professional support to help you identify and clear out your Emotional Baggage from the past, you can find out more here: Finding professional help.
- As you clear out each item of Emotional Baggage, you’ll notice the difference straight away. You’ll feel calmer as you recall events and relationships from your past because the negative emotional charge has disappeared… and gradually you’ll feel more positive about yourself and your future. Over time, this will transform how you behave and the choices you make in all aspects of your life… especially your relationships.