#1 If you’re going through a tough break-up or a really hard time… an empathic therapist can help you feel supported and understood

• In the midst of a break up or any time you’re feeling distressed, panicky, hurt, betrayed, confused, sad or very alone, regular sessions with a therapist can feel like a lifeline. It’s a great comfort to know that, at least for an hour every week, there’s someone who’s there for you and cares about your wellbeing… and you don’t have to apologise for talking too much and monopolising the conversation or make the effort to listen to their problems when you already have enough of your own!
• Talking to someone you trust about how you’re feeling can be cathartic – especially if you can also let the tears out – but you may not have the right kinds of friends or family members available to do this. Maybe they didn’t like your partner or they feel angry with him or impatient with you for putting up with him… so they don’t want to discuss your relationships… or else they start criticising, (which makes you feel defensive). Or maybe they think it’s best to try to cheer you up by changing the subject or telling you everything will be OK or you’re “better off without him”. Or they feel upset when you show your pain… so you don’t want to burden them. In contrast, a good therapist will listen with empathy and seek to understand the situation from YOUR perspective without judgement… and won’t ever say, “cheer up” or “get a grip’” or “don’t cry” or “what you should have done is…”.
• But if you start looping round and repeating the same old stories, (e.g. of how he did you wrong or how bad you’re feeling), a good therapist won’t indulge you for too long because it ends up not being constructive. Instead, they’ll find ways to help you analyse what’s really going on with you, learn from your experiences, break away from the past and develop new beliefs and strategies for the future.

#2 If you don’t see the reality of what’s happening in your relationship(s)… a good therapist can gently challenge your thinking and help you take the blinkers off:

• Women who have a caring, compassionate nature often make too many allowances (or excuses) for a partner’s unacceptable behaviour or believe him when he keeps promising to change. As a result, we can stay too long in the wrong relationship and keep allowing guys to let us down or take advantage of our good nature. If this sounds like you, a good therapist can help you recognise what’s going on and put yourself first because you deserve better.
• If you’re someone who takes too much responsibility and blames yourself (or allows guys to blame you) for things that go wrong in your relationships, a good therapist can help you take a more objective view and conclude, “I don’t think it was all my fault” or, as they say in the Caribbean islands, “One hand don’t clap”. Whether you’re living with a Teflon-coated partner (nothing sticks to him) or getting a raw deal from family members, friends or colleagues, a good therapist will help you recognise what’s happening and assert yourself more.
• If you’re in a hurtful or toxic relationship – especially if you’re with a manipulative, controlling or narcissistic partner – it can help to analyse what you’re experiencing with a detached observer whose insight you trust. The right therapist can be a good choice for this role because they won’t judge and will let you move at your own speed, whilst helping you to stay safe. Often just saying out loud what’s actually happening on a day-to-day basis can help you face up to reality and build up the strength to leave…I can say this from personal experience.

If you think YOU might be too nice, too trusting, too forgiving or too hard on yourself, there are lots of exercises in the unbreakyourheart programme that can help you analyse what’s going on and make some changes – in your own behaviour and/or in the people you allow to be in your life. Talking to a good therapist can also help with this process.

#3 If you get stuck and can’t connect the dots by yourself… a good therapist can help you work out WHY you keep getting caught up in dysfunctional relationship patterns… and help you break those old habits

If you have a long history of being with the wrong guys and sticking around in bad relationships… or sabotaging relationships that seem promising… or having no relationships at all, it can feel as though it’s ‘bad luck’ or something that’s ‘happening to you’. And although you might say, “Why me?”, it’s probably just a rhetorical question. You’re not seriously analysing WHY you keep letting the wrong guys into your life… or WHY you don’t leave even when they behave badly… or WHY you’re doing stuff that derails promising relationships… or WHY you get scared by commitment.

Are you ignoring red flags from the start? Lots of women laugh as they say, “I’m always attracted to the wrong guys” or even “I only like bad boys”, but they have no idea WHY they find them attractive or WHY they can’t stop friend-zoning the nice, respectful men who would actually make loving partners.

When you’re going through a difficult time or caught up in strong painful emotions, it can be really hard to answer these questions for real because you can’t think straight. And you’re probably focusing on the specific circumstances of THAT moment, (e.g. what HE did and how he made you feel) or maybe surface things you don’t like about yourself, (“If only I was more X… or less Y”). But when things have calmed down it’s essential to step back and try to make sense of what’s going on… and then start making some important changes. Otherwise you’ll just blunder on, repeating the same ‘mistakes’.

That’s why I’ve created the unbreakyourheart programme, to give women like you access to masses of information – based on scientific research – and lots of interactive exercises and questionnaires, to help you work out:

• How YOU’RE creating or contributing to your relationship problems
• WHY YOU’RE DOING IT (it’s almost certainly not deliberate but down to some Emotional Baggage and faulty learning from long ago)
• And HOW you might be able to fix it

When you answer these questions and have a good understanding of what’s causing YOUR issues, the solutions become much clearer… so you’ve got a much better chance of achieving some lasting change, making more sensible, healthy choices and actually being in a relationship that works for you.

To answer these questions, I believe you need to ‘connect the dots’ – i.e. analyse your emotions, beliefs and behaviour and the recurring patterns in your relationships, then trace them back to things that happened in your past, especially your early relationships and painful experiences in childhood.

If you’re prepared to put in the time and effort, you can make real progress. But what if you get stuck or feel as though you can’t get the pieces of the puzzle to fit together, (especially if you haven’t thought about yourself and your life in this way before)? Or what if exploring your past brings up such strong emotions that you don’t feel comfortable thinking about it alone?

This is when you might want to speak to a therapist who can help you step back and “see the wood for the trees” as well as pointing out clues you might otherwise miss… all the while making sure you feel safe and supported.

For example a really good therapist might:

• Point out when a new relationship is going down the same road as a previous one and help you work out YOUR contribution to making this happen, (which you’re probably not consciously aware of)
• Let you know when you use the same word or phrase to describe how your boyfriend treats you or makes you feel and how one of your parents used to behave when you were small, (this can create a lightbulb moment… or even be like a circuit-board lighting up!)
• Notice if you suddenly look upset or agitated as you’re discussing something, even if you weren’t aware of it… and help you think about why
• Leave a nice long gap when you say, “I don’t know”, encouraging you to stick with it and keep thinking until you arrive at: “I wonder if this could be the reason”.
• Share their perception of what might be going on, based on their experience and training, to help you get ‘unstuck’.

During my own unbreakyourheart process, I’ve worked with several therapists and talking to them helped me make some important (and painful) discoveries. For example, although my significant relationship partners seemed very different on the surface and had very different personalities, they shared some fundamental characteristics and ‘pushed my buttons’ in similar ways. And one of the key reasons why I put up with their hurtful behaviour was that I didn’t actually like myself very much, so I didn’t expect any man to love me or treat me well.

Since then I’ve cleared out lots of Emotional Baggage and my old dysfunctional relationship patterns and unhelpful beliefs feel like a very distant memory. I’m so grateful to be in a happy, loving relationship with a man who’s the opposite of those exes… and to be able to say “I really like myself” (almost) all of the time!

#4 If you’re flagging and you need to be reminded there’s light at the end of the tunnel… a good therapist can help you recognise and celebrate success

When you’re working through the unbreakyourheart process, it’s not always easy to recognise positive changes and improvements you’re making, especially in the early days… and especially if you’re someone who’s hard on herself or who tends to be more ‘glass half empty’ than ‘glass half full’.

For example, if a relationship goes wrong or you feel as though you’ve messed things up, it can feel as though you’re back at square one, (even though it’s just a temporary setback on an upward trajectory).

If you’re having self-doubt or if your motivation is flagging while you’re working through the unbreakyourheart programme, you might find it helpful to work with a supportive therapist who can help you review your goals, keep track of progress, recognise your successes and encourage you to keep going

For example by:

• Drawing it to your attention every time you do something right that used to be a problem for you
• Congratulating you when you resist the temptation to fall into one of your old patterns
• Helping you reflect on how you’re feeling and compare it to how you used to feel, so you can spot the difference

Maybe you’re really good at motivating yourself and sticking at things that are important. You might also find it easy to notice and celebrate the positive changes you’ve made. But if you notice any self-doubt creeping in or you’re being too hard on yourself, you might like to find a supportive therapist who can help you recognise you’re moving in the right direction and keep you focused on the light at the end of the tunnel.