Accumulated Painful Emotions

Locked away inside our unhappy memories until something ‘touches a raw nerve’ and those old emotions come flooding out

How this type of Emotional Baggage can affect our relationships:

While we’re in touch with our old, painful emotions we typically over-react, behave inappropriately or act against our best interests. Here are just a few examples:

• We fly off the handle with rage in reaction to a small provocation or frustration.
• We sulk, cry or feel really hurt in response to a minor criticism or rejection.
• We give in to emotional blackmail when we should say no, because we feel guilty.
• We’re irrationally suspicious or jealous when something reminds us of old betrayals.
• We feel disgusted, ashamed or obsessed about some aspect of our physical appearance even when everyone tells us we look fine.
• We’re so upset by a small disappointment or setback that we withdraw and shut everybody out.
• We panic and finish a relationship when a guy tries to get too close, because we feel suffocated.

Unhelpful Expectations and Beliefs

Flawed conclusions that we formed about ourselves, men, relationships and life in general, before we were old enough to make sense of things, which undermine us as adults

How this type of Emotional Baggage can affect our relationships:

• We don’t expect to feel loved and cherished so we stay in uncaring relationships that other women wouldn’t put up with… and this confirms our belief that we’re not lovable.
• We expect guys to lose interest so we try too hard or hold on too tight in relationships… and end up putting them off (e.g. when a new boyfriend doesn’t call for a while, we get scared and start chasing him).
• We make generalisations such as: “All men are… [insert negative description]”, then zoom in on any behaviour that matches our preconceptions, while ignoring evidence to the contrary. This confirms our belief that all men are the same.
• We find ourselves in two minds and unable to make decisions because our rational, adult beliefs are in conflict with unhelpful beliefs we formed in childhood (“Part of me thinks X while another part feels Y”).
• We know what we ‘should’ do in a relationship but find ourselves, irresistibly, doing something different.
• Underneath it all we believe: “I’ll never be able to find a decent guy”, so we unintentionally screen out the good guys because we think, “they’re not my type”.

Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns

Old dramas that keep playing out in our relationships, giving us a horrible sense of déjà vu.

How this type of Emotional Baggage can affect our relationships:

• We’re repeatedly attracted to men who are emotionally distant and shut-off and when we fail to win their affection – despite making a big effort – we wonder what WE did wrong.
• We keep being hurt by men who are unfaithful or dishonest or we keep getting caught up in ‘love triangles’.
• We were unable to ‘rescue’ family members from painful situations when we were children, so we’re attracted to guys who need rescuing, which means we end up in unhealthy or unbalanced relationships.
• We’re drawn to guys who put us down or belittle us, and this strengthens our feeling that we’re not good enough, which we’ve been carrying since we were small.
• We’re scared of guys leaving us or worried about getting our hopes up then having them dashed, so we ‘choose’ guys we know we can’t have (e.g. because they’re already in a relationship/ don’t want any commitment/ live or work far away). When it ends we tell ourselves, “It’s OK, I never expected it to last”.
• We keep getting into relationships with men who are dependent on drugs/alcohol or have serious financial problems or are violent… etc, etc because it reminds us of old dramas we lived through in childhood and feels ‘normal’.