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PART 2: WHY, WHY WHY? #3 EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE

#3.1 What is Emotional Baggage?

Women who are attracted to the wrong guys or who keep getting caught up in bad relationships often promise themselves, “Never again” or “Next time it’ll be different”, only to find themselves weeks, months or even years later, still falling into the same old pattern. Being in one painful relationship and getting your heart broken is miserable, but when it becomes a regular occurrence, it can be almost unbearable. Yet we keep letting it happen. So why is it so hard to break out of the downward spiral of painful relationships?

Well, before answering that fundamental question, let me ask you another one:

Have you ever made a New Year’s resolution to change something about your day-to-day life, e.g. take more exercise, eat more healthily, drink less alcohol, give up smoking, control your spending, improve your work-life balance, meditate every day, spend less time on social media… etc?
If so, how long did you manage to sustain the change?

Maybe you have an iron will and achieve all your goals first time around. If so I congratulate you… though I’d also like to check that you know how to forgive yourself and other people if they don’t live up to your super high standards.

For the rest of us it’s usually a matter of just weeks (or even days) before we start sliding back into our old habits. This is why most gyms boost their membership in January but are half empty by February and why many of us are still checking our email or social media when we really should be sleeping!

So WHY is it so difficult for most people to change their behaviour… and stick to it? Why do we so often take two steps forward then two steps back, resolving to do one thing… then finding ourselves doing another?

After many years working as a professional psychologist, dedicated to helping people change, I believe the answer is this:

Our hidden Emotional Baggage is tying us to the old behaviour… and willpower alone isn’t strong enough to overcome it.

I’ve already mentioned Emotional Baggage several times in PART 2. So what do I mean when I use this term?

Emotional Baggage

Emotional scars (left behind by unresolved painful experiences from the past), which are disrupting the choices we make and the way we live our lives today

In my experience, there are three kinds of Emotional Baggage that mess up our relationships…and disrupt many other aspects of our lives:

Accumulated Painful Emotions

Unhelpful Expectations & Beliefs

Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns

   
So let’s start by looking at some examples of how each kind of Emotional Baggage can impact how we feel and behave in relationships
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