A while ago I was helping Megan with this issue. She’d been with Andrew for three years and really thought he was ‘the one’ she would stay with forever. She had moved into his place a few weeks after meeting him, when he told her he was falling in love and wanted to wake up next to her every morning. She really loved him, they had plenty in common and they seemed to get along really well.
But then, apparently out of the blue, Andrew announced that he’d fallen in love with another woman.
They were having dinner at home as usual and Megan was chatting away about where they might go on holiday. He’d been very quiet, but that wasn’t unusual. Then suddenly he blurted out his news and it was Megan’s turn to be struck dumb.
He said he’d had doubts about the relationship for a long time, and this came as a big shock to Megan. She recognised things had been less passionate recently – and over the past couple of months he hadn’t been around as much – but she had put it down to stress at work. So when he said he’d been unhappy for over a year, she felt as though she’d been kicked in the stomach. While she was enjoying their life together and happily making plans for the future, he’d been increasingly bored and restless, thinking about ending the relationship.
Meeting Stella gave him the push he needed. He hadn’t been looking for someone else, but they’d got chatting while he was away on a training course and one thing led to another. They had a connection and a chemistry that he’d never felt with Megan, and having recognised this, there was no going back. He’d been seeing Stella for six months and wanted to make a go of things with her. And even if that relationship came to nothing, he knew there was no future for him and Megan.
She was still reeling from this news when he struck the next blow… he wanted her to move out of his place by the end of the month. It was time for them both to move on. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. How could he just throw her out?
She tried to get him to change his mind – reminding him of all the happy times they’d spent together, asking him where she’d been going wrong, promising to change, and finally pleading with him not to send her away. Andrew didn’t really say anything, just listened and shook his head. He held her for a while in bed as she sobbed. But when she started kissing him, thinking that making love would bring them closer, he said he had to get up early and turned his back on her. Suddenly the bed seemed huge and she had never felt more alone.
This story is very sad but not that unusual. Lots of women find themselves in a similar position. A man falls out of love with a woman who still loves him. He’s unfaithful. He starts a new relationship before finishing the old one. It really hurts and it takes time for the rejected lover to get over the pain and hurt, and learn to trust someone else. But many do get over it. They walk away licking their wounds and feeling as though their world has ended. But then they go through their own recovery process and eventually go on to form a happy relationship with someone new.
But what about the women who don’t handle things so well – the ones who can’t let go, cut the ties and move on?
Why do some women remain stuck in a relationship that’s causing them pain and distress even when logic and common sense tells them they’re just prolonging the agony?
Megan was one of these women. Andrew had made his position very clear – he didn’t love her any more, he loved someone else, the relationship was over. What’s more, he’d been lying and cheating on her for six months, which showed she couldn’t trust him. So the only sensible course of action for Megan was to pack her things and go to a safe space where she could begin her recovery. But instead she stuck around and tried a series of unsuccessful strategies. Do you recognise any of them?
1. The Ostrich – putting her head in the sand and pretending it wasn’t happening. She cooked Andrew’s favourite meals, made a big effort with her appearance, acted bright and breezy. She thought that if she just kept her head down and didn’t cause any problems, this would all blow over. And for a few days it seemed to be working. Andrew was more talkative and friendly than he’d been for a while and Megan thought they’d turned a corner. But after a few days he showed her a property rental website and asked her outright about her plans for moving out. That’s when she flipped into…
2. The Angry, Vengeful Woman – she yelled at him, called him all the names under the sun and finally threw the coffee cup she was holding, which narrowly missed him. When he refused to engage with her and left the house, she wrote nasty messages about him on social media, phoned his family and emailed his colleagues about what he’d done. Her friends were very supportive – telling her to she could come and stay with them till she got something sorted out. But she wasn’t ready to leave.
3. The Victim – when Andrew came back that night she was remorseful, tearful and a little drunk. She begged Andrew for another chance and when he refused she became almost hysterical, asking how he could treat her this way when she loved him so much and when she’d had such a painful past. But the more emotional she got, the tougher and colder he behaved and very soon she became…
4. The Masochist – before long, Andrew was messaging and calling Stella quite openly in front of Megan, and he often stayed out all night, just coming home in the morning to get a change of clothes. Megan’s best friend was now calling several times a day. She could tell how much Andrew’s behaviour was hurting Megan and offered to come and get her. But Megan said she loved Andrew so much and couldn’t bear not seeing him every day. She knew she couldn’t take much more but for some reasons she couldn’t leave.
A few days later, Megan came home from work to find all her stuff packed inside a rental van that was parked outside the flat. Andrew said he couldn’t put up with her erratic behaviour any more and she had to leave now. He would take her wherever she wanted to go but he wasn’t letting her back in the house. So she had no choice but to go to her best friend’s place.
Of course, that should have been the end of the relationship… but Megan had one more unhealthy strategy up her sleeve:
5. The Stalker – for months she kept messaging and calling Andrew, asking him what she’d done wrong, telling him how much she was hurting, asking to see him again so she could ‘get closure’. She even parked outside his apartment for hours, trying to catch sight of him. And when she wasn’t trying to contact him she was watching old videos, listening to their favourite music, tracking his every move on social media, tagging him in photos, (till he blocked her), and talking about Andrew to anyone who’d listen… on and on until her friends had lost patience. Even when she ran into an old neighbour and found out Stella had moved in with Andrew, she still thought about him all the time, hoping things wouldn’t work out between them so she could get him back.
Do you recognise any of these reactions? I have observed them – individually or in combination – many times. In fact, Megan is a composite of a lot of women I have known who were stuck in unhealthy relationships that were damaging their self-esteem. And I’ve also been there myself (as you can read in gory detail in Chapters 3 and 8 of my ebook).
There are obviously many different and complex factors that keep women stuck. Some stay for the sake of the children; others are trapped financially or obliged to stay due to family or cultural pressures, some are even afraid for their safety if they leave, etc, etc. But what about the women whose personal circumstances present no obstacle and who are independent in every other aspect of their life, yet who still feel powerless to leave – as though their feet are glued to the floor preventing them walking out the door for good?
Why do those women stay in relationships that are making them unhappy, putting off the inevitable break up and delaying the start of their recovery process?
When women know they should leave and there’s no reason they can’t leave… yet something invisible is standing in their way, here are a few of the factors that might be responsible:
- A partner who’s sending out mixed messages – a guy who blows hot and cold can throw a woman off balance and make it harder for her to leave… for example he expresses doubts about the relationship then says he can’t live without her or he behaves badly till she’s on the point of leaving, then begs for forgiveness and reassures her that he’ll change. Women who are trusting/nice/compassionate want to believe the guy’s promises, so they keep giving him another chance instead of facing reality and walking away.
The slot machine syndrome – casinos and slot machines can be addictive because you never know when they’re going to pay out… and the same can be true of men. When a relationship is really exciting and romantic at the beginning, you remember that loved-up feeling, and want more; it’s like a drug you keep craving (a cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters). So if you’re with an unpredictable guy who generally makes little effort but occasionally surprises you by pulling out all the stops and giving you a taste of the old magic, it can be intoxicating… and that can be enough to make you stick around, hoping for more, when you really should leave.- Refusing to accept defeat – some women keep slogging away, trying to make a relationship work, even when it’s clear to everyone that it’s making them (and probably their partner) miserable. This stubborn determination can stem from an over-developed sense of responsibility for what happens in their lives. It can also be due to pride (not wanting to face the shame of a failed relationship), or to an anxious need to feel in control of every aspect of their life, including their relationships. Strong women are most likely to fall into this trap, but underneath that strength is a vulnerability that prevents them taking the sensible course of action and calling it a day.
I don’t want to be alone – unlike Greta Garbo, some women remain stuck in relationships that are painful, hurtful or disappointing because they find the alternative – being on their own – too scary. Some have never lived on their own so they don’t know whether they’ll be able to cope. Others, who were single for a long time and worried they’d never find love, don’t want to go back to feeling lonely. The ticking of the biological clock can also drown out the little voice that’s urging a woman to end a relationship with the wrong guy: “I’m not sure he’s right for me… but maybe he’ll make a good father”. Staying with the wrong guy out of fear is understandable… but it’s definitely not a recipe for a happy, loving relationship.- Crushed confidence – some guys erode women’s confidence and self-esteem by continually criticising, ridiculing or putting them down. There are women who already doubt themselves at the start of the relationship and the guy’s negativity just reinforces those doubts. And there are others who feel reasonably OK about themselves, but then fall in love with a mean, damaged, manipulative or narcissistic man who destroys their self-esteem. If a woman is told she’s ‘stupid’, ‘fat’, ‘useless’, ‘ugly’, ‘needy’, ‘toxic’, ‘crazy’ or responsible for everything that goes wrong enough times, she can start to believe it. And any woman who has internalised a negative message that she’s ‘not OK’ will find it more difficult to be good to take care of herself or trust that she can find a loving relationship.
There are many other reasons why women remain stuck in painful or disappointing relationships… we’ve all got our special stories. But underlying almost all of them is:
Emotional Baggage
By this I mean emotional scars left behind by painful experiences that happened to these women long ago, which they’ve never been able to resolve and which keep undermining their ability to make sensible choices and take care of themselves.
Example of Emotional Baggage that can make it hard to leave
- Old fears and anxieties that make women doubt themselves and afraid to act
- Guilt, which makes them susceptible to emotional blackmail
- A distorted impression of what love should feel like
- Low expectations of men and relationships
- High tolerance of emotional pain
- Feeling bad about themselves
This Emotional Baggage is what glues many women to an unhealthy or unhappy relationship… and the longer their history of painful relationships, the stronger the bond.
In PART 2 of my online programme unbreakyourheart you’ll find lots more information about Emotional Baggage: what it is, how it got there… and most important, how you can let it go.
So if you’re stuck in a relationship when you know you ought to leave and dragging out the inevitable ending, what can you do about it?
1. Go cold turkey
If you possibly can, get away from the relationship, even if you tell yourself it’s just for a little while. Move into your own space or stay with friends, and cut all contact with the guy: don’t text or message him, don’t try to see him and don’t follow his movements on social media… make like he no longer exists. Of course, you can talk about him, think about him, look at old photos, cry about him if you wish and grieve for what’s lost (or what never was)… but no actual interaction.
Getting into a safe space and getting some distance can help you get things into perspective. Just as it makes sense for addicts to make a permanent break with the substance that’s been messing up their lives, going cold turkey can be a useful kick-start to overcoming your unhealthy attachment to a relationship that’s no good for you. And after the initial shock to your system, you may find it’s not as bad as you expected – especially if you also try out the ideas below.
2. Call in your support network
A certain amount of time at home alone is fine, but don’t be too proud to lean on other people too. The key is to be with people who are kind, understanding and supportive, who empathise with your situation, make you feel better about yourself and give you a hug if you need one. And it’s great if they can really LISTEN to you – without interrupting or chipping in with their own opinions too much or trying to tell you, “it’s no so bad”. For some of us, just pouring out our story to someone we trust, who listens with compassion and without judgement, can be hugely cathartic.
PLEASE DON’T spend time with anyone who tells you what you did wrong or what you should have done… you can decide this for yourself a bit later on. And try to avoid anyone who makes the break up about them – how upset or angry they are, how bad they feel etc. You’ve got enough on your plate dealing with your own emotions!
Obviously, the extent of your support network will depend on your personality and personal circumstances. You may have a big circle of supportive friends or family – in which case you can probably skip over this bit – or you may have just a few close friends you can rely on. Your family might mean well but be unable to give you the support you need or you might not be in contact… or they might actually make you feel worse rather than better! You might even feel there’s nobody you can talk to right now. If so, there are alternatives…
If you have no close, supportive friends or you don’t like to overburden the good friends you have, there are several options. One is to look for a support group of like-minded people near you. Here’s a link that could be a useful starting point in your search: https://www.meetup.com/topics/support-group/. Meetup can also be a good way to expand your friendship group. By signing up to activities you enjoy, you’re likely to meet like-minded people, as well as filling up some of the space where your relationship used to be. It really helped me to reboot my social life after my last painful relationship break up.
When I was feeling emotionally fragile, I used to treat myself to a relaxing massage or a Reiki treatment with a gentle and caring therapist – receiving a sensitive touch from someone with healing hands and positive energy can be as good as a hug and leave you feeling calm. If you can’t afford to pay for this, try looking for a ‘Reiki circle’ or ‘Reiki share’ in your area.
3. Get specialist professional help if you feel you may need it
If you’re highly stressed, distressed, not coping or feel you need additional support to break away from your unhappy relationship, do seek professional help. Here’s a link with a few suggestions about how you might get started: www.unbreakyourheart/FindingFinding Professional Help. And if you feel your safety or the safety of others is at risk, please seek help urgently in your local area by searching ‘domestic violence and abuse’.
4. Do the work
If you’ve been stuck in an unhappy, painful or disappointing relationship when you wanted to leave or if you have a pattern of bad relationships, it’s important to get to the root cause of the problem and fix it. After working as a professional psychologist, helping people fix themselves, for over twenty five years, here’s the best method I’ve discovered for doing this:
- Identify your Emotional Baggage
- Clear it out, by working with your unconscious mind
- Create a clear vision of what you want instead
- Learn the skills you need to make it happen
This, of course, is a gross over-simplification but I’ve explained it all in detail in my illustrated ebook, telling the story of how I discovered the unbreakyourheart process, which has helped many of my clients to fix themselves and change their lives over the years… and how it helped me to break out of the downward spiral of bad-to-worse relationships and find love with a wonderful man.
And you’ll find the tools and resources to help you follow the unbreakyourheart process, step-by-step, in my in-depth, interactive ONLINE PROGRAMME. I designed it specially for women who keep finding themselves in painful relationships with the wrong guys and it could be just right for you, if you want to fix yourself, break with the past and get ready to find love with a guy who can make you happy. We also have a special closed online community, so you can share your experiences and be supported by other women who are on the same journey.
So if you’re ready to leave the dark days of unhappy relationships behind and find true love, I hope you’ll join me and start to unbreakyourheart right away.
