For years I kept finding myself in love triangles – relationships with guys who also wanted to be with another woman – and the ‘other woman’ was always someone younger than me who was in a supportive or dependent role, and who brought out the protective, indulgent side of these men… a side they definitely weren’t showing to me.

• My first long-term relationship started to go badly wrong when my partner told me he’d been in love with his young secretary for months. After we broke up a year later, he got together with a junior member of his staff – who he later married.
• My next relationship ended when I discovered the partner I was living with had been having an affair with his secretary – who he also subsequently married.
• As I described in my ebook, my second husband carried on his relationship with his ex, (the mother of his children), throughout the years we were together. He spent lots of time with her when we went back to visit his home country… and I only realised it was more than just being a good father after several years, when her skimpy red knickers fell out of a birthday card she sent him.
• Some years later, in Greece, I was tormented with jealousy when the guy I was with, (who owned a bar), was being cool and distant with me while laughing, chatting and sitting up-close with the waitress he employed. When I complained, he smiled affectionately and said, “She’s just a kid”. It’s true she was a lot younger than him… but she was also a grown woman who wore revealing clothes and flirted with all the guys. (That whole excruciating drama is also described in my ebook)

It was only this final time – with the benefit of everything I’d learned – that I recognised this recurring dysfunctional relationship pattern and identified the essential elements that were needed to spark it off:

Every time these two elements came together, they touched a raw nerve and made me feel intensely hurt and jealous… which I guess is easy to understand.

What doesn’t make sense is why I didn’t just walk away but instead, felt compelled to stick around for months in every case, trying to win the guy back… especially when the methods I was using were guaranteed to fail, alternating between:

• Sulking and refusing to speak to the guy
• Crying and looking hurt
• Complaining, “How could you do this to me?”
• And pleading “What do I have to do to make things better?”.

What a disaster! Instead of bringing these Arm’s Length Guys closer, my behaviour just pushed them further away… usually into the arms of ‘the other woman’.

When I had time to reflect, I eventually made sense of what happened in Greece and understood the reasons for my irrational and self-sabotaging behaviour. The whole set up reminded me of a recurring and painful drama from childhood, that I kept on repeating in my adult relationships…

Three’s a crowd, first time around…

That Arm’s Length Guy in Greece who I (kind of) cared about, reminded me in lots of ways of my Dad, a complicated and unpredictable man who I loved very much. Both men used to blow hot and cold. For several days they’d be distant and wouldn’t even meet my eye, then out of the blue they’d suddenly be nice to me and I’d be SO happy… but also confused. What happened? Did I do something right for a change? I needed to know so I could keep on doing it. Then, just when I relaxed, their mood would suddenly shift again with no warning. They’d give me a cold stare as though I’d just crawled out from under a stone… and I’d be left wondering, “What did I do wrong?” feeling very sad, hurt and rejected.

And the young woman who that Arm’s Length Guy was making a fuss of in Greece? Well she reminded me of my little sister – younger, cuter, funnier… and Dad’s favourite. Growing up I was the serious one while she was confident and made everyone laugh and he always seemed to relax and warm up around her. No wonder the situation in Greece brought up the old accumulated jealousy I felt as a child – and the unhelpful belief that I was unwanted and couldn’t compete.

The situation had so much in common with this recurring scenario from childhood that I fell right back into the old, inappropriate patterns of behaviour that started when I was small – sulking, crying and asking myself, ‘What can I do to win him over and make him like me?”

It all felt so familiar and ‘normal’ that it didn’t occur to me to walk away. Even when my best friend and my sister were telling me over the phone that I must pack up and get out of this toxic situation, I found it impossible to leave. I was determined to do things right this time around. But of course that was impossible.

A little later in PART 2 I’ll share some fascinating research that explains how our Emotional Baggage can get tangled up with a guy’s Emotional Baggage to create the kind of bad relationship chemistry that keeps us locked together in this way. Fortunately for me, something happened to break the spell… and you can discover what it was if you take a look at my ebook.