Attachment theory in a nutshell

The theory goes like this… to become confident and secure, a young child needs the important adults in her life to do two things for her:

If those important adults meet these two needs consistently from the start, it gives her a feeling of security in her key relationships; she learns to manage her own (negative) emotions, sees herself as safe and loveable… and trusts that the key people in her life will be there for her and treat her well. She feels OK about herself and safe in her surroundings.

However, if either of these needs is NOT met over a period of time, the young child can become insecure about herself and/or her relationships with other people. Depending on her personality and on how those key adults behave towards her, she might start trying too hard in relationships, in an attempt to get the closeness and support she craves… or else she might start playing it cool, distancing herself from others and convincing herself she doesn’t need them (as a defence against being hurt or disappointed).

Is this starting to ring any bells yet?

Before long the way she relates to those key adults and her expectations about how they will respond to her become automatic and habitual. And, although things can change under certain circumstances, there’s usually a strong and enduring relationship between how young children relate to their parents and caregivers and how they relate to their partners in adulthood.

Note: I’m using the pronoun ‘she’ for the young child because I’ve created the unbreakyourheart programme for women, but this process affects little boys in just the same way.